The World According To Me

Recently my dearest friend Aimee, broke up with her boyfriend after 2 years together. This decision came about, after feeling stuck & trapped in her relationship for the past few months. When she broke the news to him, he took it as a shock, begging & pleading for her to not leave him, to give him another chance, and repeated calls followed asking her to take him back. However, there was no changing Aimee’s mind, she had spent the last few months, mentally preparing herself to end it with him, and when a woman makes up her mind, there’s nothing anyone can do to change it. 

The following day, while visiting Aimee, it dawned on me. It had been years since she and I had both been single at the same time, but now, the time had come again. We were going to go into this summer together, liberated, independent, and making the most of our single lives, together. It had been almost a year, since I’d became single again, and yet still, I’d had so much difficulty grasping at the concept of being single, and I’d done everything possible to avoid that it was my reality. But I realized, if after 2 years, Aimee could be strong enough to leave her relationship, I could be strong enough to finally accept that I was single, stop lamenting over a life alone, and I was going to make the most out of this single life of mine. 

The truth is, being single, or being “alone” for that matter, was once such a big fear of mine. Eight months ago, when my ex Thomas left my life, I cried for weeks straight. I spent the days, weeks, even months, following the breakup, bandaging my wounds with alcohol & cigarettes. I acted out in the worst ways possible, which only led to making a complete fool of myself around strangers. Truth be told, I spent all of my time knowing him, believing he was “the one”, despite his circumstances. The thought of a life without him, or anyone for that matter, scared me, terrified me even. Being alone became my biggest fear.

But he wasn’t the one. I still don’t know who is. Just like Aimee always believed her ex was the one, but she would soon learn the same lesson I did.

After my breakup, I would discover my chronic fear of being single, or without a lover. I had such a hard time adjusting to the idea of not having someone to give my attention to, nor having the same for myself. Even after several threats, and acts of harassment from Thomas after our breakup, the fear of being without him led me right back into his bed, and there we were, fucking once again. I was immediately overcome with shame and regret. Why was I like this? Was it the many years of my father’s neglect, that made me crave male attention, or was I simply just a case of erotomania. Whatever it was, I wasn’t sure I’d figure it out.

A few weeks ago, while running past my friend Mack’s house, he yelled at me, from his rooftop, that it was okay to be single. Hearing those words, from his mouth took my by surprise at first. When it came to relationships, Mack & I were the antithesis of one another. The only thing we could relate to, was our hope to find love, however, compared to me, Mack was inexperienced with relationships, and nothing was similar about our love lives. I ended up going into his house and joining him on the rooftop. As I sat there, on top of the roof, looking out at the sunset over the city I grew up in, and Mack sitting by my side, I considered, that there was a possibility that Mack was right. In that moment I felt happiness, surrounded by people & things that brought me happiness, without any romance involved. Maybe he was right, maybe I’d be okay being single. 

As it always does, my fear got the best of me, and days after my moment on top of the world, I desperately began searching for a new companion. As per usual, I logged into the dating apps, and began searching for something, anything. Amidst this hunt for suitors, I felt myself lacking the satisfaction and thrill, that the chase once brought me. The few guys I gave a chance to, didn’t satisfy me in any capacity. Had I finally become bored of this limbo that once brought the biggest thrill to my life? As I waited to spark some sort of connection, with one of these guys, nothing happened. So I decided, I would take the advice two very dear friends gave to me, stop desperately seeking love, and take some time for myself, to get shit figured out.

There was once a guy, 4 years ago, who I was madly in love with. When I saw him no longer, I cried over him for an entire year. The heartbreak was one I was unsure I’d ever come back from. This exact time, 4 years ago, he was my entire world, the mere thought of him was enough to kept me alive. The lust I felt for him ended up obsessive, to the point I tried ending my life when I couldn’t be with him. After a year spent in despair, I finally gave up on him, & kept going on with my life. Pretty soon, I adjusted to life without him. I stopped thinking of him, stopped writing about him, and many other men would come into my life following him. 2 weeks ago, I saw him for the first time in 4 years. The reunion was nothing like you’d think. No butterflies. No rekindles feelings. No sudden wave of emotions coming over me. There he was, the first person in my view when I walked through the door. I walked right past him, with my head down, as he waved, a big smile beaming across his face. As it was bound to happen though, we did later end up in conversation. He spoke to me with an enthusiasm that I once used to love, but now could no longer reciprocate. As he spoke to me, I just stood there, stoic, colder than ice, and lacking any ounce of emotion. He told me he had recently come across a card I’d written him, and smiled as he told me how sweet the card was. I’d written him many cards in the time I knew him, but the truth is, now I couldn’t remember a single world I’d written him. The words may have meant everything then, but now they were nothing but words. I walked away from our conversation with my head held high. For the first time in my life, I snapped out my habit of falling back into infatuation with someone from the past. The way he made me feel 4 years ago, was indescribable, but now he made me feel nothing. 

Because of my fear, I never did anything alone. I never went into public without someone by my side. I never went dining without someone to accompany me. Going anywhere alone, often led to me having a panic attack. A few days ago, after running a few important errands, by myself, I was desperately craving a martini. All of my friends were either busy at work, or pre occupied, so I didn’t reach out to anyone. I pulled up to the restaurant by myself, told the maitre d that I was going to be alone today, and was escorted to the bar. That entire hour, I sat there all by myself, just me, my martini, and filet mignon. No one bothered me, or approached me the entire time, and I loved every second of it. I sat there without a man, without my friends, without having someone there to be dependent on, just me. I realized in that moment, there was so much joy to being alone, to independence, and to freedom. 

As I continue to spend this period of my life alone, I have come to find an abundance of happiness in my “loneliness”. What once was the greatest fear of mine, is now the main source of my happiness. Enjoying this independence of mine, hasn’t completely erased my hope of finding love, because I know that hope will never go away. I know that one day, I will find “the one”, wherever he is, and when he does come along I will be completely swept off of my feet. But, as I live my life alone, for now, without a significant other, without anyone else to take care of, without an object of my affection, I have learned to be content & happy with this life, this life alone, and this life of living single.